jeff goldblum knows best.

"scientists spent so much time thinking whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." - Dr. Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park

I DO agree with you. It is kinda unfortunate that one of my favorite quotes all of time (period, not just movies) comes from Jurassic Park, but it comes from The Fly himself, which I think yings the yang. Yep, I just verbed a symbol.

If you've been keeping up with past entries, you're already well aware of my disdain for all things technology. Another log for the fire? Sure, it was starting to look pretty bleak for me after getting a new tv, hooking up the surround sound system, and FINALLY crossing over to the digital age.

Digital. Take a seat. Stone. Welcome back. We've all missed you.

Here is said log on said fire.

About two months ago I noticed a light flash on in the console of my vehicle. It looked like a small boat out on the water with a dot in the middle. I was puzzled because, for those that don't know me, I don't drive a boat. You can plainly see my confusion.

I scanned through my manual and realized it was a flat tire indicator. I thought, "I have one of those!" (meaning the light and the flat tire). I checked all the tires and found the culprit. The left rear. I should have known!

I filled the tire and went on my way. A month later, the light comes on again. This time I think, "Strange coincidence that another tire would be going flat." Checked again. Curious. Left rear. Refill.

Two weeks later. It's raining when I got home from work. I get out of the not-a-boat and hear a strange hissing sound about two feet to my left. I look down expecting a king cobra. None to be found. I discover the sound is radiating from my tire (left rear).

I think, "I think I've got a flat," two months too late. Tire comes off. Examination.

HUGEST. NAIL. EVER.

I take the tire in and say, "I can't sail without this!!" Get it? From earlier...the boat....(sigh) That was said as an inside (my head) voice.

The tire is examined carefully and he says, "Sure! We can plug it." He gets the nail out, gets ready to plug and stops. "Oh, s---," he says. Not real professional, but I'm sure my tires been called worse. "This has a sensor."

"Yep," I replied. "Is that bad?"

He sighs heavily and explains the situation. Because the tire HAS a sensor, patching it may be a problem. Yeah, I was confused too. He said that even though the hole has been patched, there is a possibility the flat tire light may stay on. I didn't get it at all but kept nodding like a moron.

I said I didn't really care if the boat light was on as long as I knew the tire was fine.

He said the car is too advanced for me to pull a fast one like that. If the light stays on for so many miles, the engine won't start. If I'm driving the thing and it hits that magic mileage number, it will shut off.

The fix? Go back to the dealership so they can wire it up to their computer and reset the sensors. Free? Not a chance.

I have to pay to fix a feature I really don't care to have but the ship won't sail without it.

I miss the good ol' days where technology was figuring out which stick I was going to use to start a fire. Then the only thing I needed to concern myself with was tracking down the clown that decided a ship on the high seas was a good icon for a flat tire on a car.

something for nothing.

woke up this morning...late...again. it's been a long week. last night was my own dumb fault. todd came over and hooked up my surround sound system (thanks, todd) and then we watched the final 3 episodes of band of brothers. we started on the special features, but after about 10 minutes i realized if i let this go on any longer, i'd get sucked in and have to finish the whole thing and end up finding out about what steven spielberg had for lunch on day 16 of shooting episode 7. i thought i could go without that.

i woke up at 5:00 yesterday to work in ft. dodge. i told myself i couldn't stay up late that night or else i would pay for it today. well, ended up switching off B.O.B. at about 11:15. fell asleep around 12:15. up at 6:00 this morning. not exactly ideal for me. i need LOTS of sleep.

oh, don't get me wrong. i'll still be super cranky when i wake up, just more coherent.

i got ready in the dark like usual. i fear light in the morning. once i got my shoes and tie on i checked msn, as is the standard operating procedure. as i flipped open my laptop, i let a little "mmmmm" as i grimaced from the bright green light of my desktop. remember, this is my first experience with light in the morning.

when msn opens up, i see the headline, "obama wins nobel peace prize." i think, "uhhhh...what? am i still sleeping and dreaming about future time where obama has actually done.....anything?"

alas, i was not dreaming. i was parked in the neutral, lodged in the same ridiculous reality in which i'm always existing.

in case you were wondering, other awards that will be giving out in the next week:

lebron james wins the 2010 nba mvp award.

danny glover wins best supporting actor at the oscars for lethal weapon 5.

i get a huge raise and a trophy following 10 years of devoted service to the wolfe clinic.

how in the world does barack obama win a nobel peace prize???

well, let me lay out what it takes to win a nobel peace prize. here it is from mr. alfred nobel himself. he says the prize should go to, "the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

mr. president, what have you done? if you need a comedic view of your accomplishments, look no further than saturday night live. this aired last weekend.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/99945/saturday-night-live-obama-address

i'm not saying barack obama won't go down as a great president, he may very well go down as the best president. but at this point, he isn't. he hasn't done much of anything in office. to his defense, he's tried. he's tried to alter just about everything i've come to know from our government as long as i've been alive. does our country really need a total overall? yes, our economy has fallen apart, but it was bound to bounce back regardless of who was in office. it's cyclical...kind of like global warming (i'll save this thought for another time).

one other curious thing i discovered which makes this even more unbelievable...check that..not EVEN MORE...but completely unbelievable, guess when the guys that vote for prize have to have their votes turned in by.

februrary 1st.

why is that significant?

barack obama took office on january 20th.

is this laughable yet? maybe this will push you over the edge.

there has been several years where the committee has actually released a few of their finalists. something tells me from this list that we shouldn't put much, if any, stock in who actually wins:

adolf hitler, joseph stalin, benito mussolini.

whoops.

i'm starting to feel a little left out. you know, maybe i should start looking at this as a "glass half full" scenario. maybe I could win he nobel peace prize! you really don't need to actually accomplish anything. you just have to SAY you're going to accomplish something significant...and maybe act half serious while you do (the prize patrol and can see right through your lies). it's really no more difficult than that.

or maybe you could actually make an effort to make this world better. forget awards. forget all the press. forget the attention. be a servant. do what your called to do.

philippians 2: 3-4. do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the the interests of others.

serve. serve. serve.

i'll close with some good ol' ghandi.

"the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the sevice of others."

by the way, ghandi never won the nobel peace prize.

it's not you, it's me.

i've always hated break-ups. not that i've been through a lot, but they're always hard. you so badly want to give it another go, maybe things can turn around. sometimes it works and sometimes you think back and wondering why you can have ever talked yourself into or let someone else talk you into starting over.

let's reminisce, shall we? in chronological order:

age 12. kari sundberg. kari was awesome. still is actually. i ran into her at work a couple years back when she was back in town visiting and stopped in for an eye exam. we had a great talk. this was still my longest relationship. 2+ years. that's right. started off in 4th grade after i arrived and gilbert and pushed through until around the midway point of 6th grade. kari was the first girl i ever held hands with. i remember it well because my hands were caked in butter after digging through a huge tub of popcorn at a movie. i still remember the movie. look who's talking now. wow. that's disgusting.

age 12-14. jenny boyle, allison abaar, marissa maestas, kelly quarnstrom, katie petersen. appartently, the wheels came off after kari. i guess these were my experimental years? hmm, that didn't really come out like i meant it. yes, i did have to pull out the yearbook to complete this list. jenny and kelly didn't last long. i thought katie and i might, until she slammed my nose in a locker and i had to go home. allison and i didn't last long either. but, i do remember her buying me a pair of dallas cowboys boxers. i also remember her asking me if there was any other NBA teams i liked. whoops. marissa and i were on and off a few times. marissa was also the first kiss. it was i believe around the 4:30 mark of 'five minutes in the closet.' the previous 9/10 of the time was me sitting against the wall of the closet scared out of my mind. man, i was sweet.

age 17. coach zahrt. i know. a break-up's a break-up. i remember him calling me bright and early one summer morning to confirm me showing up for two-a-day football starting up in a few days. i told him i wasn't playing this year. i remember all to well the absurdly long, uncomfortable silence...followed by a "i'm very disappointed in you. a lot of guys quit this year and i'm disappointment in all of them....but, especially you." i felt kind of like a jerk. i got over it eventually. but, he was totally right. i regret not playing. i felt really bad about it until he told his history class once school started that i had the potential to be an all-state quarterback for this school but i turned my back on everyone. that was a good morale boost for a 17 year old psyche.

age 19. harmony leister. have to admit, this was a tough one. we dated for about a year and a half, but things just didn't work out. i messed up a lot. she deserved much better and i think she got it. good news is were still friends to this day (i think) that talk on the phone periodically.

age 23. malary harris. my only girlfriend in the past 8 years. wow. 8? hmmm. anyway, we dated for a few months. i thought we had a lot of fun together. it didn't work. notice i said "i" thought we had a lot of fun together. first time i had been broken up with. made me feel icky. she was in the right, though. i wasn't being the best bf in the world at the time.

age 27. us cellular.

wait. you didn't actually think this was going to get deep did you? you fell for it!!??

so, i call us cellular today to cancel my old service. seriously, it's old. i've had my phone for 5 years. i switched to verizon a couple months back but kept my old phone active just in case not everyone had my new number.

here is the conversation that took place in real life.

everything in parenthesis is the break-up lines the actual lines were implying.

customer service rep: so, i was just told you want to cancel your service. (i heard you don't like me anymore)

me: yes.

csr: may i ask a reason you wish to cancel your service? (what did i do?? i can change!! just name it!!!)

me: nope. just wanted to try something different. (it's not you, it's me.)

csr: well, since you're not under contract, there is no cancelation fee. if at anytime in the next week you would like to start up your service again, you won't be charged extra. (well, i understand. give it some time, though. that's all i ask. i'll be waiting here if you change your mind)

me: ok. thanks (laughing)

**ok, the laughing was real. i chuckled a little bit after he said the previous line because i realized i just had a great idea for a blog.

csr: ok, then. i hope you have a great day, kevin. take care. (WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY???)

me: thanks, you too. (what a lunatic. what did i ever see in them?)

in summary, i'll leave you with one piece of advice. don't hurt feelings. play it safe.

"it's not me, it's you."

everyone knows you're lying through your teeth. doesn't matter. you'll have plenty more opportunities to screw things up in the future. cheers.

sam walton's alcatraz

what is it about wal-mart that stirs up thoughts of what a prison visit may be like?

tonight i decide to watch a movie (edward scissorhands). i put the movie in, watch a quick making-of featurette, while cleaning up after dinner. i'm getting ready to pop some popcorn when i realize i don't have any candy to put in the popcorn. this is a must, obviously. eating straight popcorn is like eating a handful of thick air...dipped in artificial butter. i start to ponder all the possibilites of what condiment i could purchase to enhance orville's best. i had reese's last time. i've done junior mints. yes! got it. peanut butter m&m's! if you haven't done it...strongly recommended. if you dump the m&m's in right after the corn is popped, the candy coating melts just enough so as soon as it touches your tongue, you are assaulted by a buttery, peanuty explosion of mind boggling proportions.

then, tragically, the m&m yacht traveling down peanut butter river crashes into a tall brick structure. i look up suddenly to find my boat shattered against large, poorly lit, white wall. i get out of the boat and slowly make my way towards the neon humming. "oh great," i think as i turn the corner. they built another wal-mart here!!

"all good dreams die at wal-mart." i heard or read this somewhere. may have been leviticus.

once i realized i had to drive to wal-mart, i just got depressed. i know that more than likely i'll have my hand on my wallet and pay extra special attention to what is going on in my periphery. i'm also planning on being insulted by at LEAST one person, more than likely an employee. i will feel outcast. i will feel like everyone is watching me. i may have a slight migrane followed by a brief stint of nausea as i first pass through the sliding doors into the 2340 watt fluorescent lighting. i know when the greeter says, "hello," he is actually saying in a christian bale-esque batman voice, "why are YOU here? YOU dare come in when I'M working. now i HAVE to say hello to you. YOU! because the economy bombed, i lost half my retirement and since this prison is the only place that has been sued 793 times for discrimination, they HAVE to hire me. I HATE YOU!"

i'm able to get passed him with only a few cuts and bruises. i make my way briskly by the register's while all the employees stare at me like i just punched all their grandmothers.

quick recommendation to all the wal-mart employees out there....well, one in particular. when one of customers buys a product, let's just say it's a movie, that you don't really like, let's say that movie is footloose, it's probably not the best idea to scoff at them and say, "you LIKE this?"

aaaaand moving along.

i get to the candy aisle. i b-line for the m&m's. ok, regular...peanut.....yes! peanut but...wait...what? strawberry peanut butter?? SICK. they actually make that. below the regular m&m's, i see a gap. no. this can't be. i gaze close at the tag. 'peanut butter m&m's.' gone. they are gone.

so, i went to go visit my crazy uncle in prison and i realized he's flown the coop. sweet. so, now all the guards and prisoners are closing in around me out of the shadows. i can hear the footsteps approaching.

i snag a bag of plain m&m's and a movie (national lampoon's vacation) and head towards the exit. i throw my things down on the counter while the inmates begin to lick their chops. fresh meat....

the cashier scans the movie, pauses for a moment and looks up at my terrified eyes. "what are...YOU...doooinng? (gulp) i think. yeah, i'm so scared, i did a mind gulp.

"are you over 17 so you can buy this movie?"

i stare back in awe.

"i'm 27."

"ok."

seriously?

at this point, i don't know which emotion has taken over. fear or confusion. perhaps a few helpings of each wisked together in the batter that was once my mind.

i exit quickly towards my car, parked in between wal-mart and cub, which could very well be the bermuda triangle of creepiness. i feel like I need a can of mace and a whistle...for the bears, or wolves, or dragons, or some crazy hybrid that's crawling out of the sewer.

i hop in my car, and dukes of hazzard it right the heck out of there.

well, i made it home safely.

once i take a shower, i'm going to enjoy the solace of a quiet evening at home....

until i realize i'm out of toothpaste...

columbine and go tarts.

(from myspace. originally posted 4/6/08)

i understand the blog title might make all of you a little curious, but this is something that has been on my mind for a long time now. i’ve always reserved myspace to keep in touch with people that have moved away or to display excellent color coordination (note the scheme matches the profile picture...i’m sure you’ve already observed this and were blown away). it’s time to stray from past blogs, messages, jokes, and color schemes to touch on something that REALLY bugs me.
so many people have been speculating for years now on who is responsible for all this school violence. what has happened with our nation where a school shooting seems to occur every few months? media, movies, games? all of the former have received plenty of finger pointing as a cause of these horrible acts that have been surfacing over the past 10 years or so. how about good ol’ ma and pa? what about these people? after these tragedies, we get 8 page layouts in time magazine about the killer’s troubled history. we get shocking headlines on cnn and fox news that grab the world’s attention with words like massacre and killing spree. where are the parents through all of this? listen, i’m not saying let’s beat down their door and throw mics and cameras in their face. i could not fathom being a parent and have to go through something like this, but i would be interested in some profiles of this troubled kids parents.
is there a possibility that we are missing something? do me a favor. one of the following two will suffice. number one. actually, cancel number one...i just did it for you. over the past 15 years, fast food sales and increased almost 7% while restaraunt dining has decreased 6%. the gap between family income spent at a restaraunt and a fast food establishment is narrowing and the tables will turn possibly in the next five years or so. ok..(stick with me here)..number two...well, i guess this would be number one...just check out the type of food that is available at your local grocery store. specifically, your breakfast, lunch type kids food. for example, for lunch we have the classic peanut butter and jelly. but, if you go to the store, you’ll find you no longer need to buy the pb and j separate. you can just get goober grape! way easier. or, check out the pop tarts. have too little time to get the kids breakfast in the morning? well, pop tarts just aren’t quick enough anymore. our kids need go tarts! who really has the time to throw a cumbersome pop tart in the toaster for 30 seconds?
so, what’s you freaking point, kevin? well, our country has become obsessed with "now." we live for "now," and we aren’t getting it soon enough. we spend so much energy on our work, play, and ourselves we have been neglecting interaction with other humans. i feel this includes a large base of parents. i understand i’m not a parent, and "i have no idea what i’m talking about," but i think it’s obvious we are headed down a very dangerous path. so many parents just plop there kids down in front of their wii and dump a bag of bk in the their lap and go "unwind." i know i’m not speaking from experiencing and i know i’ll probably want to do it too, but we need to invest time in our children. there is ADD all over the place, obesity has become an epidemic, and our children are suffering from loneliness and depression.
sorry to rant, but i really feel this has to in some way contribute to this violence. obviously, the media isn’t helping matters. after the virginia tech killings, i saw time magazine had nearly a 10 page layout on the killer, and one page devoted to all the victims. we hoist to people to ridiculous heights of fame and it has to stop. but, let’s please start with the family. remember what that is? most of the families i know are extremely close, and it’s amazing to see. let’s embrace it.

dear terrorist, this tips for you.

(from myspace. originally posted 4/5/08)

don’t worry, americans. we are well taken care of. our department of homeland security has been hard work since 9/11 keeping our country safe. even though it has come at a very high price to our country financially, there’s nothing quite like waking up knowing we are taken care of. i guess no one told that to the washington post.
they recently printed an article entitled "terrorism drops a bombshell on boise." The entire article focused on the top cities in america that are the most vulnerable to a terrorist attack. really? yes, sir, and boise, idaho made the top ten. ghis shouldn’t come as a surprise. we all know potatoes are to middle eastern’s as what kryptonite is to superman. I guess you could just skim the surface of the article and observe the cities on the list in a joking matter and think, "huh, that’s funny that boise made the list"...or, you can stand back and see the big picture and say, "are you freaking kidding me? why would you publish this information?!"
it gets worse. i mentioned the article was produced by the washington post, but msn.com decided it was front page news. so, you don’t have to just get the post to read the article, but just have internet access. oh, but wait, i wouldn’t have written this blog if it wasn’t for the following bomb (pardon the pun), the whole study of the "most vunerable places in america" was funded by homeland security.
i think i’ll be taking my "stimulus" check next month and buy a one-way ticket to cananda.

don't forget the cheese.

(carried over from myspace. originally posted 1/3/08)

i'll admit, i really appreciate someone with a sharp wit. unless of course that wit is unprofessional slash at my expense. twas the case last weekend when i took a journey with my fellow comrades (josh j, jason, marty)to culver's. i allowed them to order first while i spent an unnecessary amount of time looking at the menu.
hold that thought for a comedic observation.
why is it that whenever you order at a fast food joint (no, i will not call it a restaurant) that you (the customer) never take your eyes off the neon lit menu when you order even though you already darn well know what you are getting? you scan that whole 12 foot screen while your brain is already enjoying the chicken, bacon, swiss and curly fries you WILL be eating in less than three minutes (unless of course you have to wait the extra two minutes for a fresh batch of fries...you lucky dog, but careful, they're hot), and the while your wasting time scanning the menu, the clown behind the counter is thinking of all the different ways he could snap your neck because the joint (not a restaurant) closes at 11:00 and he started cleaning the fryers at 9:45.
ok, back to the story.the other three order their culvy's (cute, huh), and i approach the counter. scanning the menu for about 6 seconds (i decided on a cheddar burger in the car), i order the aforementioned dish. the gentleman at the counter asks, "what would you like on the burger?"wait, i had not prepared for this. i had forgotten culver's let's me choose. this was not going to end pleasantly as my mind raced thinking of all the glorius toppings that could enhance my culvy going experience.
"well, what toppings do you have?" i asked playfully.
by the way, i have lived in america my entire life, so i'm not sure why i failed to understand what you can get on a burger. perhaps to force the employee to get sidetracked and try to come up all the possibilities while i didn't pay attention to him and figure out what i really wanted. this is exactly what happened. he rattled off the options (very speedily i might add), and i was left with, "uh....well...how about lettuce and ketchup." yeah, nice call, kevin. just leave it at that so you don't have to ask him to repeat the options.
as he was ringing me up, i realized i had forgotten the most important topping. this is freaking america. i need cheese! without thinking, my mouth vomitted out the utterly absurd question, "does that come with cheese?"insert sarcasm here. he stared at me for about 3 seconds and smilied, "yes, the CHEDDAR burger comes with cheese."
"oh, right. cause it's a cheddar burger. i'm an idiot," i replied, desheveled.
"don't worry, man. i've heard way worse," his response was soothing."probably not, but i appreciate it," and i did.
yes, i had my pride scraped off the floor by an employee at a fast food...restaraunt. he probably has heard worse, but i bet i made his day. i'm sure that he had a good chuckle about it a couple hours later...until that car full of teenagers showed up at 9:45....right after cleaning the fryers.